


(jumping in) harder than 10,000 rocks on the lake

by sparklingstone



Series: take a breath and dive in deep [1]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bisexual Tony Stark, Both of Bucky's girlfriends are obsessed with his arm, Bucky Barnes Gets a Hug, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky's sexuality is unspecified, Civil War Team Iron Man, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, Fem Tony, Fluff and Smut, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hurt/Comfort, Lesbian Sex, Loss of Virginity, Multi, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Not Black Panther (2018) Compliant, Past Torture, Period-Typical Homophobia, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Post-Civil War (Marvel), Steve Rogers Gets a Hug, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Stevie Rogers is also bi as hell and learns how to be proud, Toni Stark is bi as hell and proud, Tony Stark Gets a Hug, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Virgin Steve Rogers, but with no bashing i swear, fem steve, stuckony - Freeform, winterironshield - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-01-05 21:04:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 21,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18374063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparklingstone/pseuds/sparklingstone
Summary: Stevie has a lot to get used to, in this new world. Toni helps Stevie with that. In the process, they become something more. Stevie helps Bucky regain his identity. In the process, Stevie hurts Toni. Bucky helps himself learn to live life. In the process, he helps Toni. Then he helps Stevie and Toni get their acts together.In the process, they fall.(In which Antonia Stark and Stephanie Rogers come together, careen apart, and James Barnes brings them all back together again.)





	1. the fall

**Author's Note:**

> So I actually started writing this post-Civil War, and then never finished it. I was inspired to pick it up again recently, but as a result it's really not compliant with anything after Civil War. So that's disregarding 100% of Infinity War, and much of Spiderman and Black Panther (e.g. Bucky didn't chill in a tent in Wakanda). 
> 
> I wanted to get at least 1 chapter up before Endgame broke everything. This should only be 3 chapters.
> 
> Final relationship is Bucky/Fem!Steve/Fem!Toni. Unbetaed, so please lmk if I missed any mistakes.

Sometimes there are people you meet, and it's a flip of a coin if you're going to hate them or love them.

When Toni meets Captain Stevie Rogers in the flesh, she decides to hate her.

As she’s Iron Man, flying through the sky and shooting aliens – _aliens! –_ she starts to make a list. 

Falling through a worm-hole and dying pauses the list-making. But she doesn’t stay dead, and Toni always makes lists - on scraps of paper, across her hands and arms, dictated to Jarvis. Even when she doesn’t have them written down, she makes lists in her head. She keeps track.

And this list is one that she finds herself adding to every second since the Avengers officially form as a weird, crime-fighting unit.

(Here’s her list:

  1. Stevie is everything Toni wants to be
  2. Stevie is everything she was told to be
  3. Stevie is everything Howard wanted
  4. Stevie is everything Howard wanted Toni to be
  5. Stevie is everything Toni was never able to be. 



Number 6 is the one she doesn’t think about, but it’s there:

  1. Stevie was everything Toni _wanted_ too.



That’s the worst part.) 

It's a coin flip. A toss-up. A game of chance.

Toni _chooses_ to hate her. Toni's never been one to play with chance.

 

~~~

 

Stevie’d be a fool not to admit she’s looked at Toni. How could she not. She’s exactly her type. Loud, mouthy, kind of arrogant, a heart of gold under it all. Look at Peggy.

Look at _Bucky._

She stops thinking about Bucky as soon as she can, before the guilt can suck her down.  Tries to enjoy Toni on her own merit, but the ghost of Bucky remains. And then she feels guilty all over again because despite all the big fat nothing that happened between her and Bucky, it still feels like a betrayal.

Not to mention that’s Toni's a woman. Stevie hasn’t been to church in 70 years and doesn’t think she’ll be starting now but it almost makes her long for the ache in her knees from the kneeler. 

Despite it all, she can’t help but think about Toni. It's just… Toni's _great_ , is the thing. It took her too long to realize. Especially since the two of them clash a lot. They’re just like that. Toni will say something, and Stevie knows that it's to get a rise on her, but she can’t help but fall for it every single time. Especially when Toni’s eyes light up in the way they do when she’s angry.

Once she's figured Toni out a little more, Stevie feels bad afterwards. Once she’s been made aware of the depths of Toni’s insecurity.  That by antagonizing her, she’s really trying to push Stevie away before Stevie pushes her away first. That behind the veneer of arrogance, her sense of self-worth is so low it's almost nonexistent. That the walls she’s built are not so impenetrable, and that the Toni behind them is smart and funny and kind and good despite everything life has thrown her way, and so easily _hurt_.

And Stevie has seen those walls come slamming back down, thicker tenfold when Howard’s name is mentioned, and wishes that Howard were still alive so she could hit him for screwing something so good up so badly.

Stevie doesn’t know when exactly things changed. She doesn’t know when she decides she doesn’t want to break Toni’s walls, just be allowed behind them. That the Toni she sees behind them is someone she wants to value and protect. But she does.

Maybe it was when, after a visit to the Tower from Pepper, Toni turns to her, staring her down and seemingly daring her to take offense. “I used to date her, you know. It was a big deal – all over the tabloids, that I was fraternizing with my employees and being a ‘corrupting influence-’” her fingers curl like quotation marks on “corrupting influence” “-on younger generations with our queer- Well, anyway. Ha, she’s higher ranking than me now so just goes to show them.” 

Stevie had started at the word “date,” and she could feel how wide her eyes were, the way her heart had started to beat frantically fast. But she could also see Toni’s face, the look in her eyes and…was that pity? 

“Umm… yeah so this is awkward. But, well, Aunt Peggy told me about…you know, you two… But, uh…so, when I came out to her she told me. Sorry, I guess. But it was probably part of the reason I looked up to you, I guess, even if Howard was ashamed.”

Stevie has never heard her stumble over her words so much. At the mention of Howard, she goes to put her hand on Toni’s arm, her first instinct to comfort the hurt she sees, even through shock.

…And of course Toni knew Peggy; she should have realized that Peggy would talk about her, but this: this was not something she could have expected.

But Toni jerks away. “I uh, just wanted you to know. I know you’re still behind on your history, so you should know that some people are still bigots but that it’s totally okay to be into women and none of us here are going to judge you for it. Least of all me.” She pauses for breath, frantically looking anywhere but at Stevie.

She glances down at her watch, clearly pretending she’s been given an important message, but her face clears and brightens, and she starts backing away, slowly, step by step. “Anyway, I’m going to go now and do something very important that involves a lot of heavy machinery and maybe some explosions and no, you may not come. Let me know if you want like, a book or something. Books existed in your time, right? Or a scroll? I’m sure if you want a scroll JARVIS can print you one. Or is it papyrus? I can't ever remember. But that’s not very eco-friendly so like…maybe don’t and don’t be a dick?”

_What?_ “I… don’t need a scroll?”

“See, you’re learning already!” Toni calls over her shoulder. “See you later, or maybe never!” And she turned the corner and was gone, leaving Stevie rooted to the spot.

_I used to date her. I used to date her. It's totally okay to be into women. No one here is going to judge you for it. Least of all me. Least of all me. Least of all me. I used to date her._ Goddamn. There might have been tears in her eyes. She yearns for Peggy, both to kiss her and to thank her for the lessons she clearly taught Toni.

And then she yearns for Bucky because of course Bucky would have known about how she felt about other dames even if it was a conversation they never had. Even if he never knew how Stevie felt about _him,_ the only person she ever really… and then she's on the train again, watching him reach out for her, hearing the wind and her own scream in her ears as he falls…

(Clint finds her an hour later on the floor of the kitchen with her head between her knees and sits with her until she remembered how to breathe.)

Toni emerges from her workshop over 24 hours later, none the wiser to Stevie’s panic attack, literally hanging off of Bruce’s arm and clearly overtired, face streaked with what is probably soot, barely pausing for breath in her ramble about spatial projections. Stevie can’t help but smile as she listens. 

So yes, that was probably the first time.

 

~~~

 

Toni is surprised when Stevie comes to her asking for advice, but can’t quite quash the euphoria bubbling out of her chest. _She wants to see me, she’s asking me for help. Me. Chill the fuck out._

Isn’t this quite a turnaround of her childhood fantasies? Especially the ones she’d had after Peggy told her about her and Stevie’s relationship when she'd come out. In those, Stevie had been the confident one, sweeping Toni off of her feet, fighting Howard off with her shield, and maybe even sailing off into the sunset with her.

Or riding a horse. It depended on the day. So she had been like fourteen, of course her fantasies would be cheesy.

(The real Stevie rides a motorcycle. And sometimes wears a leather jacket. Which is so, so much worse for Toni's general health.)

Now though, in real life, Stevie is so obviously nervous as hell, barely able to make eye contact as she asks to talk. About being bisexual in the 21st century. What is her life? Fuck, this is why she has to hate her. Toni's _not_ built handle this.

“I did some research,” Stevie says, “ _not_ on a scroll,” she adds quickly as Toni opens her mouth. Toni grins; it’s just too easy.

“Aww, did we graduate to picture books now?” She can’t help it. Not one of her finest lines, but she swears she loses like 75% of her brain cells in Stevie’s presence. I.e., giving her a brain of a normal human who doesn’t know how to be funny or charming. It sucks. How do people live this way?

But Stevie, without missing a beat, comes back. “I’m a nonagenarian; speak more nicely to your elders.” Toni barks out a laugh, delighted in spite of herself, and Stevie smiles too before she turns serious again. “But I want to know what it’s like from your perspective.”

Well shit. Toni really might not be the best person to ask about this kind of thing and she says so, direct for once. (Even if her stomach is flip-flopping pleasantly just like when she’d had that _huge_ crush on Pepper and the earlier, shorter-lived and _extremely dumb_ one on Rhodey in college. But no, hate. Remember. _You hate her._ )

But then Stevie gives her this look, right up under her long lashes.

_Oh no._ “Oh no, not the puppy dog eyes; that’s just not fair Rogers.”

Stevie just grins. Her smile is all white teeth and sparkling eyes, and Toni thinks, _oh shit, I’m so fucked._

So naturally, Toni takes her out for burgers. And they talk.

And here’s what Toni learns about Stevie:

  1. She’s definitely, definitely bisexual, though she hadn’t known the term for it, which is amazing because
  2. Howard would be pissing himself in his grave knowing his stupid obsession was into girls just like his "slut of a daughter" ~~and~~
  3. ~~If it wasn't a fluke with Peggy, maybe Toni would have a chance?~~
  4. That she’s been floundering in this new century and still feels a little lost, but adapts quickly (she’s already like, really good at the internet, what the fuck) and is more eager to learn than anyone she knows.



~~And here's what Toni learns about herself:~~

  1. ~~There was never any coin to flip. Never any choice, either. Toni was always meant to fall for Stevie.~~
  2. ~~She's already fallen.~~



 

~~~

 

And here’s what Stevie learns about Toni. She’s already knows that the arrogance is a veneer, disguising a soft interior.

But now she learns that Toni’s actually a really good listener when she wants to be, that she knows how to talk a person through her problems in the most straightforward manner, but the minute she’s thanked she brushes it off like it’s nothing, like she’s uncomfortable with being thought well of.

She learns that Toni does listen to the things people are telling her, despite the bluster. She asks their very nervous waiter about himself and learns that he’s trying to work his way through college to be an engineer, and she listens, and tells him to call her when he’s looking for a job and she’ll help set him up wherever he wants to be.

She learns that Toni truly _is_ a philanthropist, judging by the large – very large – tip she left – by check! – for said waiter. Stevie has heard that school is incredibly expensive now, but it must have been enough to cover at least that.

She learns how much Toni truly _loves_ being Iron Man and never wants to stop, despite her heart condition (which Stevie doesn’t really understand but gathers was the result of something traumatic).

And she learns that she probably likes Toni more than she should.  

Perhaps most importantly though, isn’t what she learns about Toni, though she begins to fill up a sketchbook with the way her hands look as they tinker or the way her eyes light up when she’s explaining something or teasing.

The most importing thing Stevie learns is not a lesson learned in a day or taught to her in a classroom. It’s a lesson she’d never have learned in the 1940’s and the consequences of not learning it probably would have resulted in eternal self-hatred or self-disgust.

Because what Toni teaches her, and teaches by example, is that it’s okay to be proudly and unashamedly who she is.

Stevie can like women and it’s okay. She might even like women more than she likes men. Bucky has always been the exception to everything, after all – he's probably the exception to this too. She might not ever really be over him, but she thinks that she’s willing to try again, and she knows that it’s what he’d want for her too, to be happy. (Maybe she’s starting to realize that she wants to try with Toni.)

 

~~~

 

Toni learns that Hydra exists and is less shocked than she should be. Since she's been Iron Man, it feels like she's always been waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Toni learns that Stevie is injured and maybe even nearly dead and comes running, finds her sitting up in bed and talking to Natasha and this new guy who’s name she gathers is Sam, and then she learns that Stevie’s injuries are from fighting the Winter Soldier who turns out to be

  1. Stevie’s former best friend, Bucky Barnes;
  2. Toni’s _other_ prominent teenage hero who featured in nearly as many riding off into the sunset dreams as Stevie did; and
  3. Undeniably and obviously the love of Stevie’s life.



So yeah, Toni’s so fucked.

 

~~~

 

Stevie kisses Toni at a bad time to be kissing someone.

She’s definitely emotionally compromised, and it’s definitely not fair to Toni. But she’s being selfish, and she’s sick of feeling things for her, sick of feeling guilty again now that Bucky’s back after she had just started to make her piece with his passing, and now she aches for him all over again but all these new feelings didn’t just go away either, and all she wants right now is some human contact.

So when they’re arguing, about something inane and stupid, about Toni’s recklessness, about… she's not even sure what anymore, and she spots Toni’s eyes flick down to her mouth, Stevie for once doesn’t hesitate.

She pulls Toni in by the back of her head, fingers catching in the hair falling out of her messy bun, and just slides their lips together, mouth already open.

And Toni doesn't even hesitate. She kisses right back, which isn’t a surprise now but would have been even a few minutes ago, her mouth hot and lips slightly chapped. Toni slides up onto her tiptoes and grabs Stevie’s shoulders, pulling her right down to her level.

She doesn’t take charge though, a small part of Stevie’s brain notices, the part that isn’t wrapped up in the essence of Toni. She’s letting Stevie move her where she wants her, lets her take, and take, and take, and Stevie does, because she _wants,_ god, she _wants_. But then Toni bites her lip and _pulls_ , just so, and Stevie’s knees buckle and almost give way. Toni moans out what might be a laugh.

Stevie pulls back for a second to look at her, sees her mouth red and swollen, spots of pink high on her cheeks and a smudge of grease on her forehead. Dark hair mussed and perfect. Her eyes open, and they’re glazed, pupils blown out, but still amused. She raises an eyebrow. God, she's so annoying.

And Stevie can’t help but lean back in. “You’re so…” is all she gets out before her mouth is back on Toni’s, hands slipping under her grease-stained t-shirt, sliding up her waist and across her back, feeling smooth warm skin and then the lines of scar tissue that she had known were there, known and had forgotten, knows that the ones who put them there are long dead but wishes they weren't so that she can kill them again. Toni doesn’t notice.

Toni just pulls away again, grinning. “I’m so _what_?” She laughs before pushing their mouths together again, flicking Stevie’s lips with her tongue and making her let out an embarrassingly loud groan. She moves her hands lower, to Toni's waist, where it’s safer.

To hide the motion, Stevie moves her lips to Toni’s jawline, sucking and nipping at the skin there. She remembers how much Peggy liked it and judging by the sound she makes when she nibbles her earlobe, so does Toni. Her skin is warm, and smells so much like Toni, a sultry, expensive-smelling perfume covered by the scent of engine grease and metal.  It's heady, dizzying. “So beautiful,” Stevie finally answers into the skin of her neck.

Because it’s true. Stevie doesn’t think she’s seen anyone as beautiful as Toni, ever. _Except maybe Bucky._ She shoves away thoughts of Bucky with enough ease that it surprises her.

She feels Toni tense at her words, the muscles in her neck and abdomen stiffening under her hands and mouth. Stevie spares a moment to wonder whether or not someone’s called Toni beautiful before. Someone who really knew her anyway.

But then Toni is pushing her backwards, towards the elevators. “Bed, bed.”

And well, Stevie might be a virgin, but she’s pretty sure she’s okay with losing her virginity to Toni Stark.

 

~~~

 

It’s a headrush because _holy shit_ , she’s kissing Captain America, Stevie Rogers, Stevie, and Stevie is absolutely _shameless._ She’s got Toni pressed against the wall of the elevator, one hand cupping her breast through her shirt and the other buried in her hair. She’s doing her best to suck what feels like it will be a permanent bruise into the hollow of her collarbone. Toni doesn’t mind. _At all._  

For once, there are no lists, no nothing; it’s pretty much all Toni can do to hold on, because _holy shit_.

The elevator dings, announcing that they’re on Stevie’s floor, and then Stevie’s confidence seems to be flagging, because she takes a step away and backward, opens her mouth as if to speak.

And no, no, no that won’t do. Toni surges forward, pushing Stevie backward, watching her eyes go wide with shock and alarm. They narrowly avoid tripping. Maybe that wasn’t Toni’s best idea, but now Stevie's grinning again so it doesn't matter.

They somehow make it to Stevie’s bed, only now Toni is definitely in the lead, gently guiding Stevie backwards, pulling off both of their shirts in the process. Stevie’s eyes flick down to her breasts, then rest there, and her hand reaches out and hovers over the scars where the arc reactor used to be. Toni glances down at her own chest and spares a mournful moment to be embarrassed about her choice of lingerie (a grey sports bra). Normally she pulls out something with at least a little lace when she’s hoping for a fuck.

Not that she’s done much fucking in the past couple of years. Too many people would be freaked out by the strange light in her chest and the weird bras that accompany it. And even after the surgery, her breasts are still scarred, a little uneven. Normally she doesn’t mind, but now with Stevie’s full attention on her, there’s more than one reason to be self-conscious.

Stevie doesn’t look very put off, though. Her hand is still hovering over her chest, and Toni is craving _touch._

“It’s okay,” she says, pulling the sports bra over her head in the same instant.

Stevie herself is wearing a standard white bra, nothing fancy, but she unhooks it as Toni watches, and Stevie's looking at her too, up from under her lashes again, and _holy shit_ this woman is so unfairly gorgeous. It’s like she was sent down from heaven in all her perfection to drive her insane with jealousy and want ~~( _and make me fall in total love with her_ )~~. She looks nervous, though, a little out of her depth and suddenly Toni wants to kick herself, because of course, kissing is one thing but this is long past making out. ‘This is…okay, right?”

Stevie looks startled, but she looks straight into Toni’s eyes ( _so, so blue_ ), and smiles as she pulls Toni forward, then falling back onto the bed, pulling Toni down along with her. Her leg slides in between Toni’s, grinds up into her crotch and sending a lick of pleasure shooting up her spine.

“Definitely okay. Just…show me what to do?” And _oh yes_ this is definitely something Toni can do. There’s a reason that she has a reputation for being good in bed, and it’s because Toni can read the human body like a machine, can methodically pull out pleasure with her hands, with her mouth. There’s no doubt she knows what she’s doing. She gives, she doesn’t take. It’s what she does. And Stevie takes. But Stevie also gives. And so maybe this time Toni takes, just a little. (Toni’s brain is mostly offline as Stevie presses little kisses down her stomach, and she can’t help but have the rhyme pop into her head, one line per kiss: _she loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not._ She loses count before she can figure out which one it is.)

~~~

 

Toni’s gone from her bed the next morning. Stevie entertains the idea of going to find her as she stretches out her pleasantly sore limbs. As she sits up, she sees that Toni had left her a cup of coffee, no longer hot but warm. Milk, no sugar, just how she likes it. Stevie smiles down at the cup a bit stupidly, knowing how big a gesture it is for someone like Toni.

Then she remembers Bucky. Bucky, who is alive. Bucky, who is hurt. Bucky, who she should have been thinking of, trying to find, trying to help. And who she wasn’t thinking of (at all) last night in Toni’s bed. She tries to remember why she thought this was a good idea and comes up empty.

Bucky was the one who she always wished would be the one to take her virginity. _(“Virginity's a social construct, Rogers,”_ says Toni’s voice, an echo from last night’s pillowtalk). But Bucky hadn't loved her in that way. She wouldn’t have wanted a Bucky who didn’t love her. With Toni, it was…easier.

But before she can really begin to work out what to feel, much less what to do, she gets the call to assemble. They’re heading to Sokovia.

Things change pretty quick after that, and maybe it’s for the bes

 

~~~

 

After Ultron, the hooking up happens again, a few more times, but it’s _different_. It’s just that – hooking up. It’s amazing, that’s for sure. Stevie is _incredible_ in bed (and everywhere else). But Toni’d be a fool to call it anything more.

It all just feels more distant. Stevie feels more distant. Maybe she's still mad, though she says she's forgiven Toni, or maybe it’s Toni who’s more distant, who pulls herself away. _Protecting yourself, like always. Why would Stevie care, anyway?_ _She makes it pretty clear that I'm just there for a quick fuck._

Like the first time, when they'd had an absolute _blowout_ in the fallout of Ultron and they had sex almost all night but never said a word. Or the one time they had another fight, which wasn't about Ultron but Toni still kinda felt like it was, and then had sex in the showers after a mission an neither had said a word. Or the time they had sex after Toni'd done something dumb in the field, and she was still half in the suit and neither had said a word.

It was only after fights, is the thing. And it all just went back to normal, cordial behavior after.

And since she’s always been a masochist, Toni’ll take what she can. Because people are still angry with her too is the thing, and she can’t blame them. She is, after all, the world’s biggest fuck-up.

Stevie isn’t around much these days, anyway.  She’s at the Compound, training new recruits. And no, Toni isn’t bitter that the Avengers aren’t staying in the Tower. It makes sense that they shouldn’t be in the center of the city, and should have more space. It just…doesn’t feel like a home, when the Tower was starting to. (Maybe she’s a little bit bitter.)

Rhodey just holds her tight, kisses her forehead in that way that he does. He tells her that it’s the people who she loves that make it a home. So she stops. She counts. People that Toni Stark loves:

  1. Rhodey
  2. Pepper
  3. Happy
  4. JARVIS – and isn’t that one like a punch to the gut
  5. Brucenatashaclintthorsamwandasteviesteviestevie
  6. Stevie



And there it is. The problem is, she realizes, is that Stevie’s the one who makes it feel like home for her. Stevie’s rarely there. Ergo, the Compound isn’t home. QED.

Because when Stevie’s not at the compound, she’s off following a ghost. A ghost Toni can never hope to compete with. Because she's still never present, still chasing ghosts even when the two of them are standing face to face.

 

~~~

 

Seeing Bucky again is…confusing, ushering in all the feelings she’d tried so hard to bury, all that hard work in vain. When he says “you’re Stevie,” like he _knows_ her, almost like he used to. How could she not choose this? How could Stevie not want him?

(And wanting him feels like she’s betraying Toni. Being with Toni feels like betraying Bucky.)

And Toni’s looking at her with such frustration, such anger. But she can’t sign the Accords, not like this, and she thought Toni knew her well enough to know that. The goddamn pen feels like a slap in the face. _And what goddamn right does Toni have to her when she never said a word, never indicated she wanted more?_

  
Just like Toni consistently pushing her away made it easier to push herself away, Toni’s betrayal makes her own a little easier. 

But even through everything, there might have been a part of her naïve enough to think that she could have both Bucky and Toni, at least as friends. That was stupid, and now she might not have either because of her own recklessness and idiocy. Stevie’s clearly meant to be alone. It’s safer for everyone else that way. Safer for Toni, who she almost kills. Safer for Bucky, who Toni almost kills because Stevie was too scared to talk to her about her parents.

 

~~~

 

Toni isn’t sure when it had turned to love, for her. She feels her damaged heart constricting a little more every time she sees Stevie jump after Bucky. 

Feels it shatter when her shield slams into the arc reactor.

(People who love(d) Toni Stark:

  1. ~~Her mom~~
  2. ~~Jarvis~~
  3. ~~JARVIS~~
  4. Rhodey
  5. Pepper
  6. Happy
  7. ~~Bruce? His absence is an ache, constant and thrumming in the empty labs.~~



People who don’t love Toni Stark:

  1. Everyone else
  2. Stevie)



So that’s it then.  No more than she deserves, really. Who’d have thought she could keep something so good?

She hears about how Rogers puts Barnes in a Wakandan cryofreeze machine. Apparently of his own volition, because _he doesn’t want anyone else to get hurt because of him_. That just makes what Toni did a little more unforgivable in comparison.

And because Toni’s nothing if not stupid and because she’s trying so, _so,_ hard to be a better person, to fix all the _red in her ledger_ ( _it’ll never work_ ), she starts discussions with other officials (working around Ross) about the Accords, and gives him a list of the things that she wants:

  1. _Maybe, possibly_ exonerating the Avengers.
  2. Fixing the rest of the bullshit.



They don’t get very far in the initial conversation (obviously), but Toni is ashamed that she feels a little bit better for even bringing it up. Another instance of the Merchant of Death trying to fix her past. When she can’t fix her problems as Toni StarkTM, maybe she can try as herself.

She’s even worked on negotiating a third thing:

  1. A full pardon for James Barnes for the list of things he’s done as the Winter Soldier. A full list of things. A very long, very bloody list of things. Including killing her parents.



It doesn’t sting, anymore, the way it did at first. To be honest, she’d never really blamed Barnes. She knows that he was brainwashed, that it’s not his fault, that it wasn’t _him._ Not the pain of losing her parents ( _mom, really, to be honest._ The pain she has from Howard has little to do with his death and a lot more to do with the damage he left in his wake. _~~In that one way, we are the same~~_ ).

It only stings when she thinks of Stevie, and the fact that Stevie didn’t tell her. And then she remembers what she did to Stevie and Barnes when she did find out, and tells herself that she really can’t blame Stevie for what she withheld. _Just for everything else. For leaving me to_ die _. For nothing I ever did being enough. (For not wanting me.)_

And Stevie tries to reach out even, sending that damn burner phone, because that’s the kind of person she is. No, it’s better for everyone if Toni steers well clear.

 

~~~  

 

Stevie watches as Bucky is lowered into the cryochamber, watches as the frost covers the glass and his face disappears behind it. She shudders. 

A part of her freezes again with Bucky.

A week later, she has a nightmare of the icy water rushing into the plane, of slowly losing feeling and consciousness in the cold and wakes with her hands wrapped around her own throat and she’s choking, choking…. It’s not a nightmare, it’s a memory.

The next morning, Stevie tells T’Challa that she can’t leave him there anymore, and she doesn’t care if it’s selfish. T’Challa smiles at her, rather enigmatically. She thinks he approves.

Bucky is pulled out of the chamber, and she sits with him as he wakes, cold hand in hers as it thaws, and she feels the ways his body quakes as his lungs suck in air again, gasping. His eyes open and he looks at her, all but pleading. “ _Programming_ ,” he whispers immediately.

“We’ll find another way,” she whispers, just as pleading. She caresses his cheek, stubble rough under her hand, and she might be crying. “We’ll find another way,” her other hand comes to the other side of his face. She looks into his eyes, eyes she knows better than her own. “We’ll find another way.” _We have to. I can’t do it this way._ _I know it’s selfish and not fair to you but I can’t, I can’t, I cant._ To her relief, he nods.

That night they sleep together in the same bed, curled around each other like they used to do in Brooklyn when it was cold and Bucky was worried Stevie would catch pneumonia. It’s not cold in Wakanda, but Stevie still feels the it in her bones and judging by the way Bucky clutches at her, he feels it too.

Even as she slowly relaxes into Bucky’s familiar body and scent, letting it calm her in a way that few other things ever could, Stevie tries not to think about Toni, and how she doesn’t think anyone ever held Toni like Bucky is holding her.

Stevie and Bucky leave Wakanda with T’Challa’s good will and with a new prosthetic arm, built by his teenage sister who reminds her of Toni for more reasons than just the genius.

She’ll miss T'Challa, but he seems to have bigger issues on his mind than some renegade Avengers to look after.

They fly back to the States, and she finds them a remote cabin on the outskirts of a forest and a dead-beat town, which in turn is on the outskirts of proper civilization in upstate New York. There’s a grocery store, a gas station, and a diner, and that’s about it. The two of them have to chop their own wood to fuel the woodstove.

Neither of them have ever lived outside of a city before except on the Front, and they're probably not built for it. The quiet takes some getting used to. But she thinks that both of them need it. (She kind of hates it, and she knows Bucky does too. But he's there, so it's okay).

There’s only one bed. Bucky never comments on it. He just lies next to her, often not sleeping. Sometimes (frequently) she is startled awake by Bucky’s gasps and pants as he throws himself out of a nightmare. After that, he usually goes outside and watches the stars.

Stevie knows better than to go after him. This Bucky is not the same as the old Bucky, and she shouldn’t expect him to turn to her for comfort in the ways that he used to.

In the Army, he would come find her after his nightmares of torture, and curl himself around her, face buried in her neck and breathing her in. They’d both fall back asleep enveloped in each other’s warmth and it’d feel like home. But he’s different, and he’s a mess. So is she. Stevie shouldn’t expect anything different from Bucky. Not yet.

Everything changes one brisk May evening. She’s just come back from a long run, and her hair, now cropped to her chin and died brown, is dripping with sweat, and she’s drinking juice from the carton in their matchbox-sized kitchen and idly considering stretching, when a phone’s ring cuts through her thoughts.

It’s a pretty standard ring, but it’s coming from the kitchen drawer, which means… _Toni_. Is she hurt?

For a moment she can’t breathe, and she clutches at her chest until the ache fades, like she used to do. Then she’s scrabbling, gracelessly, pulling open the drawer and snatching the phone before it can stop ringing.  It’s in her hand, and she nearly drops it as she answers.

“Toni? Are you all right?” Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Bucky sit up from where he’d been laying on the couch in the next room. His eyes meet hers briefly but she has no time, no time…

“Stevie? That's you there?” That's Toni's voice, she would know it anywhere, disguised by Iron Man's voice modulators or tinny from a cell phone's poor connection. She sounds…she’s not hurt. But off.

“Yeah, Toni, it’s me. Are you okay?” Her knuckles are already white from holding herself up on the counter

“Oh, what? Yeah. Yeah I’m fine. I guess. Ha.” Toni coughs out a laugh, and there’s no humor in the sound, but just hearing that she’s okay has Stevie sighing in relief.

She leans back against the counter, all too aware of the fact that Bucky is still staring at her. She doesn’t meet his eyes. Toni is okay.

“Good. I’m glad.” She tries to make her voice reflect how earnest that is, how much she _regrets_ ever hurting Toni, even if Toni had never really wanted her.

It’s silent on the other line for a moment, but Stevie can hear Toni’s breathing, the soft inhales a little crackly from the signal, but no matter how distorted, it’s still familiar, _too_ familiar. “Barnes with you?” Toni finally asks on an exhale, a sigh.

Stevie’s eyes flick up to Bucky, finally. He’s moved, perched against the doorway to the kitchen, arms crossed and still just staring. He’s totally unreadable and she’s still not quite used to that – he never used to have any sort of poker face. “Yeah, Toni, he is.”

“Good. Good. Glad you have someone with you.” She sounds like she means it.

_Why are you calling why now do you know how much the silence hurts will you ever forgive me will you ever realize that I forgive you because there was nothing ever to forgive...?_

Instead: “How are you?”

“...Shitty.” Fair enough; a lame question deserves a lame answer.

“I’m sorry.” _For all of it._

“Yeah, me too.” A long pause. A thud. Did Toni hit something? And then more words are spat through the phone, louder this time, loud enough that Bucky might hear it from across the room. “You’re a real jerk, you know that? Just up and leave, kind of like a shitty one night stand. Nice ladylike behavior. Howard would have been pissed at you.”

God. How to respond? “Toni, are you drunk?” Not what Stevie meant to say, but a good question nonetheless. A familiar sunburst of anger builds in her chest, the easy option. It’s always so easy to be angry at Toni. Harder to let go.

“No…Yes…Maybe. First time in a while. Guess my tolerance went down. I guess I didn’t need it for a while.” Toni lets out a little laugh. It’s humorless, and it hurts.

The anger dies as quickly as it was born.

And so Stevie’s next words are gentle; wanting to look after Toni is going back to familiar territory. “Toni, you should eat and go to bed. Is anyone there with you? Pepper or Colonel Rhodes?”

“You don’t have to baby me. I’m’n’adult.” She's the one who sounds angry now, but it’s so petulant that Stevie can’t help but smile, just a little. ‘Sides, you’re not here.” The smile slides right back off her face. _What's that supposed to mean._

“No, Toni, I’m not.”

Another long silence; this conversation is made up of the spaces between words more than the words themselves.

“Come home.” It’s so quiet she barely hears Toni, her voice oddly fragile, almost childlike.

Stevie brings her hand up to her throat. She can’t breathe again; idly she wonders if maybe this is just how it is going to be, feeling the water close over her head every time she lets herself feel the fear, the pain, the guilt.

_Yes, I’ll come._ “Toni, I can’t. You know I can’t. Buck and I, we’re still on the wanted lists. And…I don’t think we’re ready.” 

 

~~~

 

The fucking stupid-ass shitty flip phone burns hot in her hand. It’s the tech but it’s also her, the heat in her hands and in her head. She wants to smash it, but she wants Stevie’s voice more.

“Yeah, I get it. Forget about it.”

“Toni-" And no, she can’t stand to hear that voice.

“Bye Rogers. Nice to hear from you.” She hangs up before Stevie can protest. And wow, those old timers sure got a lot more satisfaction flipping the phone shut, for all that it was a stupid brick. The flick of the wrist captured a lot more anger than a swipe could. _Something to consider._

She’s on the floor of her rarely-used private living room in the Tower, a half-empty bottle of scotch by her feet. She looks at it, but her stomach heaves too much to think about drinking. Not good. She’s not nearly drunk enough for this shit.

Or maybe not, because before she knows what she’s doing, she’s asked FRIDAY to call Rhodey. His face appears on her screen and it’s clear that she’s interrupted something because he looks annoyed. Oops.

But it’s so nice to see his face, there are tears springing in her eyes before she knows it. Traitors.

“Toni? Seriously, why can’t you ever call at a normal time, I’m… Hey, Tones? What’s up?”

She opens her mouth to start with something easy, like _just wanted to know how the legs are working with the neurotransmitters_ , but she can’t. She closes her mouth, opens it again. Her voice, when she speaks, sounds small, distant to her own ears. “Can…can you come over?”

He’s alarmed, she can tell, but she’s beyond caring. “You ok?" She can't answer. He sighs, but it doesn't seem angry. "Sure thing Tones; I’ll be right over.”

And he is. Iron Patriot lands on the pad within a half hour, and then Rhodey finds her, still on the floor. Absentmindedly Toni sees the way he flies the suit so easily, how while his walk is a little slow, it’s steady and easy. Good.

Rhodey sees the scotch first, and she can tell that he wants to lecture, but he doesn't He grabs it and takes it back to the bar. And then he’s sitting next to her, swinging an arm around her shoulders like they’re back in college. “Hey, what is it? I haven’t seen you like this since you and Pep broke up.”

“There’s nothing to fucking break up Rhodey.” His face just drops and it’s clear he figured it out.

“Rogers? Are you fucking kidding me, Toni? What the hell; I told to stay away from her. She’s fucking trouble.”

She cuts him off, and it all comes spilling out. “Nothing to break up, she doesn’t want me and she’s with him and now they’re together and she won’t trust me ever again, no shit, and of course they’re fucking perfect, both of them, together, and I… I don’t… I loved her and they fucking hate me. At least she does. He killed my parents and she chose him.”

Rhodey just looks at her, stunned. It’s a true testament to his nature and ability to deal with Toni’s bullshit that when he does speak, it’s not to comfort or admonish, as someone else might have. “Damn, Toni, that’s fucked up.”

She hiccups out a laugh that may have also been a sob. “No shit.”

He grabs the back of her neck, pulls her in close to his chest. Wow, she’s missed him a lot. He kisses the top of her head and absently fixes her ponytail for her. “You deserve better than her, Toni, you have to know that.”

“No,” she whispers into Rhodey’s chest. “They both deserve a hell of a lot more than me.”

Rhodey huffs. "Even fucking Barnes? Like you said he…" he trails off.

"I'm not a fucking idiot Rhodey. I know he was brainwashed. I'm over that. But she never told me."

He glares at her, softened by the way he's still stroking her hair. "They both left you to die."

"I tried to kill him."

"You were in shock."

"Only because she didn't tell me."

"Yeah." Rhodey sighs. He's clearly got more than one bone to pick with Ste- Rogers, but for her sake he's quiet.

Toni sits there for a long moment, just enjoying having him close. God she missed him. "Rhodey?"

"What, babe?"

"You know, if _we_ got married, it would solve like… a _fuckton_ of problems."

Rhodey barks out a surprised laugh into her ear, making her wince. "Oh really? What problems we talking about?"

Ooh, good question. Wow, still super drunk. She swore she'd had a list. She tries improvising. "Give you three. One," she holds up one finger, "we would not be single. We would be taken, by _each other_ , bada bing bada boom. Big problem just, _solved_ , right there. Two birds one stone kinda thing. Two," another finger, "we already have _fun_ his-and-hers armor, so like, it's fate, amirite?"

Rhodey pulls away to guffaw. "Sure Toni, I'm sure that's why you made it."

"And _three_ ," she continues undeterred, "you'd never have to date another hot girl because _I_ am the hottest girl you can get. Way hotter than Alyssa was."

Rhodey mock-glares. _I_ _missed you._ "I was twenty-two when I dated Alyssa."

"Yup, and she was the hottest girl you ever got; like a 9.3. But you're looking at…at least a…9.7 right here, so..."

"And you would know."

"Yup." Toni says again, beaming. "I'm good at hot girls." Then her face abruptly falls. "Except St-"

"You're right, you _are_ hotter." Rhodey says quickly.  

And Toni brightens again. "See? You do love me!"

At this, he pulls her back in again, presses his face to her shoulder. "Of course I do babe, of course I do. Always."

"…Yeah, you're right. Marriage would only cheapen our bond."

 

~~~

 

The minute it came out of her mouth, she regretted it.

Stevie clutches the phone, eyes closed for a second. But she was right, they aren’t ready to go anywhere. Maybe. Probably. Does she want to go back, or does she just want things they way they used to be?

Is she not ready or is she just hiding from her own stupidity? From what she did to Toni?

But no, Bucky's still recovering. She can't forget that. She has to prioritize. _Fuck._ She squeezes her eyes shut against the tears already forming.

Her eyes are still closed when Bucky speaks. “She okay?”

Stevie sighs, opens her eyes. “I don’t know, Buck.”

“You could go back you know. It’s not like they wouldn’t pardon you. You’re Captain America.”

She scoffs. “Sure Buck, maybe, but that would mean leaving you here.” There’s been nothing on the Winter Solider in the news lately, which means that he’s still a wanted man, wanted for international acts of terror.

“Well, maybe you should.” Bucky’s eyes are hard, boring into her. Stevie flinches, steps back.

“Bucky, what? Do you, do you want me to leave?”

His face crumples, lines into true anger now. “I don’t know Stevie. I’m not something you can just protect or put on your shelf, you know? You don’t need to stick around with me. And to be honest, you’re stifling me."

Stevie reels back, feels like she might have been slapped.

And look at Stark! You dropped her too, the minute she didn't fit the mold of who you wanted her to be. You just pressure people to be what you want them to be, and when they fail, you take it out on them. And _I_ can't be who you want me to be, and I never will be, so we might as well call this thing quits while we're ahead.”

Stevie feels the traitorous burn of tears. How could he? How dare he? What? “Fine then! If I’m stifling you, _you_ leave. This is my house. You can figure out somewhere else to go.”

His lip curls, and she sees the Winter Soldier in his face for the first time in months. “Fine.” He’s out the door in less than a minute, the door as silent as his movements.

In a daze, Stevie moves to the living room, sinks into an armchair, and lets her head fall into her hands. She should have known that finding him again wouldn’t have guaranteed that she could have him again. Was she really that selfish that she’d keep him with her and not notice that he’s stifling?

_Yes. He got you in one. 'You pressure people to be what you want them to be, and when they fail, you take it out on them.'_

_You never asked what Bucky wanted. You never bothered to listen to Toni either._

And she's had a sneaking suspicion for a while now, one that she's been trying not to look directly at. She does now. Just like how Toni antagonized her to try to push her away, maybe, maybe Toni pulled away because she didn't know how not to. Maybe Stevie was supposed to try harder. And she never did. Not once. She'd thought Toni broke her heart, that Toni didn't care, but maybe Stevie was the one who broke Toni's heart. _And then again, literally, when she slammed her shield into Toni's arc reactor._  

She always ends up hurting the people she…cares for. It’s probably an inevitability. They're right to stay away.

Bucky’s gone for only four hours. Stevie barely moves. The sun had set, with the shadows now creeping across the room. He’s so quiet that she wouldn’t have noticed him had the glint from the arm not given him away. Still, she doesn’t move.

Bucky comes up before her, kneels in front of her chair. “I’m sorry Stevie. I was angry at myself, not you. You’re not stifling; I’m stifling myself.”

“Aren’t you?”

But then he’s looking up at her, and she can see the blue in his eyes, even in the dark. He’s been crying, maybe. They’re a little bloodshot. And the look on his face is not quite old Bucky, but it’s real, and it's one she knows.

“I’m not the same guy anymore, Stevie. I’m…not good.” Was this it then?

She shakes her head, goes to speak, but he cuts her off. "Just, lemme finish, okay? I've spent the last four hours trying to figure out how to say this."

_Now you don't even let him speak, goddamnit._  

Still on the floor, he shifts, now sitting cross legged in front of her. He's staring at her knees, clearly searching for words. She doesn't speak, because what else can she do to help him?

"…I…you know, for so long, you were like, the only good thing I still had left. And of fucking course you still are Stevie, don't think different, I just. You gotta let me learn what else there is to the world and to me?

"Because I know where I want to end up, and that's as Bucky, but I wanna be a Bucky that's grown from what he's experienced. And I think… I think I gotta figure that one out by myself. If…if I just did what I thought you wanted then that wouldn't be…honest. You know? I just need to learn how to be good, to really be _Bucky_ again."

How on earth can she say no to this. "Buck," she says, even as her heart breaks a little, "I…you can leave if you need to. Or if you need me to leave. I'm not going to… I won't let myself hold you back."

Stevie might not be strong enough to let him go, but she has to. She sees that now.

“But no shit Buck. You’re not the same guy. But that doesn’t mean you’re not good. And you think that I’m the same person I was back then, is that it?” It feels like a different life, almost literally. 70 years of separation. A full lifetime between two half-lives.

"I…don’t think I want to leave. I just… can we… I don't know." Bucky's face is expressive in a way that it hasn't been in a while. This she knows how to read. He’s anguished, and she wants nothing more than to smooth away the lines of care on his face. "If I… go away for a while, let me? If I promise to come back?"

Oh god. "You don't have to ask me for permission." _I won't be that controlling again._

"No, but I want you to know I will. Come back." The corner of his mouth ticks up.  

Stevie gives into the urge, and with one hand pushes the hair back from Bucky’s forehead and rubs at the line between his brows with a thumb. He doesn’t flinch like he might have even a month ago. So maybe that's some small progress.

But she has one more thing to say. "Maybe you’re still figuring yourself out, but that doesn’t mean that I don't like you just as much. I’m your friend regardless of what you do, or have done, because it wasn’t your fault and I want to get to know you as you are now. And if you want to stay, we learn each other together."

"…Alright."

“You’re crazy Rogers, but okay.” His grin is all old-Bucky, charming and ridiculous. Ridiculous in that it melts her heart even after all this time. She can let herself have this much.

She dreams that night that Toni and Bucky are fighting again, brutally slamming into one another. Toni’s faceplate is off, but her eyes glow like the helmet as she turns to look at Stevie, who’s frozen in horror. “Place your bets now. You get to keep the winner.” Bucky punches Toni; she spits blood out of her mouth, and it lands on Stevie’s cheek, _burning_ , and then she turns, slamming Bucky into a wall, and Stevie hears the crack as his head meets the stone, and then a hole opens in the ground and she is falling. She doesn’t fight when she sinks into the water, lets it fill her lungs, lets herself be dragged down, down, down…

When she wakes, Bucky is by her side, hand running through her hair tenderly, murmuring little platitudes against her forehead. She lets out a single sob, and his metal arm reaches around her back, pulling her close as she slowly relaxes back into sleep.

Apart from their nightmares that they both have things are good for a while, boring, but good. Stevie worries, of course, she’ll always worry, about Bucky, who seems to be doing better, despite his absences which leave her aching (she still doesn’t ask; it’s not her business, as long as he’s safe, and he always comes back). He needs his space, and time, and she’s learned that lesson.

And slowly, tentatively, they learn each other again.

 

~~~

 

The last things Toni expects is for Barnes to climb through her hotel room window in Amsterdam. She’s here on non-Avengers, non-Accords, entirely Stark Industries related business, and is busily scrolling through a memo Pepper sent to her. Because she’s distracted, it takes her longer than it usually would to notice him. He’s also freakishly silent. Her hand reaches for her briefcase that holds the suit, but Bucky moves first. He raises both arms above his head, a universal gesture of surrender. 

His hair is in his face; he flicks his head to the side to expose his eyes. Blue-grey. Toni thinks to herself that he’s pretty attractive, remembering once again how much she admired both Bucky and Stevie as a kid (and she can’t blame Stevie for what she sees in him), before the chest-numbing guilt shuts that thought down.

“Why are you here.” It’s a question, but she doesn’t frame it as one. What she really means is, _does Stevie know that you’re here,_ because she doubts that Stevie wouldn’t have let Barnes wander off on his own ( _wasn’t he supposed to be in Wakanda?),_ let alone to Amsterdam. Let alone to see Toni. And doesn’t that hurt, knowing that Stevie has fallen so far away from her so quickly ( _and it’s Toni’s fault, even if Stevie gave the last blow_ ).

He’s looking at her like he wants to bolt, eyes like a wild animal’s. Pretty stupid, since he’s the one who intruded in the first place. His hands are still raised to either side of his head, but as he reads her facial expressions and correctly guesses that she’s not about to attack him, his arms slowly lower. He still looks like he’s about to run, but maybe that’s how he always looks these days. _Speaking of looks, nice skinny jeans._

“I, uh,” his eyes flick from side to side, taking in the hotel suite, the mess of paperwork and random gadgetry surrounding her on the bed. Toni guesses it’s maybe not what most people would expect from her: it’s a lot less alcohol and debauchery and a lot more hard work. Not that she her reputation for alcohol and debauchery is unwarranted, or anything, but…things are different now. Maybe she’s just getting old.

Barnes won’t look directly at Toni, but instead focuses on his hands, metal and flesh held out before him. She can’t help but want to take a closer look at the tech, already thinking of the myriads of tests she could perform, improvements she could make.

He doesn’t speak for a moment, and she lets the silence linger. He’s clearly gathering his thoughts and she wants, needs, to hear.

Finally: “I’m sorry. I’m not the greatest with words, anymore…but I, I’m trying to atone for what I did. I know it can’t be done but if there’s anything that I can do, for you, to make amends, I can try.”

It’s clear that this speech is at least somewhat rehearsed. Toni is so tempted to respond with a joke, something characteristically flippant. But she sees and catalogues the furrow between his brows, and then when he finally does make eye contact, she can see the haunted look behind Barnes’s eyes. It’s one she knows all too well from looking in the mirror.

She swallows. Thinks of the list she’s memorized. Barnes’ kill count. She speaks. “Yeah, um, it’s okay. Well, it’s not okay, but I, uh, know you weren’t exactly yourself. I can forgive that.” She pauses. Barnes is completely still. It’s kind of creepy. She pushes out a sharp exhale through her nose. He’s making her do all the work, damn him. “Look, in the interest of full disclosure, I’m…sorry too. I shouldn’t have reacted like that.  It was wrong of me and I knew that it wasn’t you I was upset at anyway.”

Barnes looks back at her again and his expression shifts briefly, before settling on something that might be understanding.

“And I’m sorry for being responsible for tearing you and Stevie apart. I know you were…close.”

Toni starts. For once, she hadn’t been thinking of Stevie, but about Howard.

“That’s not… But, dude, really? You’re not responsible for everything, okay? Our arguments were our arguments. Not your problem. Don't insert your nose where it doesn't belong.” And that gets a look, almost, hurt? "Dude, it was a joke. I say things I don't mean all the time. It's fine. All good. Okay?

He still looks a bit confused, but, “…Okay, I guess.”

And then the most shocking thing to happen to her all week, maybe even all year occurs. They…talk. He tells her that he is remembering more and more of the things he’s done as the Winter Soldier, just as he remembers being Bucky. Not only that though. He’s…kind of funny. In a dry kind of way that Toni likes best. This is not what she’s expecting.

Then he says he’s doing his best to try and fix the damage he did, that he couldn’t stay in cryo since it’d be only running away.

“You didn’t want to do those things, though. It wasn’t you.” Toni really doesn’t know what to say to help, but she knows that much.

“But I still did them.” Okay, fair. She knows what that’s like.

And he talks a lot about Stevie, which, also fair. It’s pretty clear he’s in love with her, even if he doesn’t say it. It’s also clear that the two of them are a perfect match. Toni feels a sudden burst of kinship for this man, because she knows how it feels to love Stevie and feel unworthy.

A list of people who love Stevie Rogers:

  1. Toni Stark
  2. James Buchannan Barnes
  3. Probably the whole fucking world



Maybe it’s because Toni feels bad for him or maybe it’s because she needs to talk and the two of them have shared life experience of the kind her therapist would never have, but she ends up spilling some of her own secrets to Barnes.

She doesn’t tell him about Stevie (avoids mentioning her, actually), but she tells him about Afghanistan, about her body being altered without her will, about learning that her own weapons were being used by terrorists and about Ultron and Sokovia.

“So you see Barnes, I reckon that between the both of us, I have the highest kill count. If you’re still the Winter Soldier, then I’m still the Merchant of Death.”

Barnes almost looks like he wants to argue with her, but seems to change his mind.  Finally, he says, “Call me Bucky.” Toni laughs, despite herself.

“Antonia Stark, nice to meet you. Call me Toni. Or Iron Man. Whichever sounds cooler. I still can’t decide.”  

Before he leaves (out the window, the way he came in), Toni stops him. “Hey, tell Stevie…just, tell her I’m sorry, okay?”

“Tell her yourself, man. I know she’d want to hear from you.” But Bucky nods anyway, and is gone the next second. She’s left staring at an open window but feeling lighter than she has in months.

People who deserve Stevie Rogers:

  1. Bucky



The thought feels a little like peace.

 

~~~

 

Bucky tells her he went to visit Toni to apologize and Stevie is ashamed. Ashamed because that’s all she’s wanted to do since the damn phone call. Ashamed because she’s still too scared to see her. Ashamed because Bucky seems to actually like Toni, tells her that he’s going to visit again. She knows who the braver one is of the two of them.

And here she is, too scared to ask for more from either of them. To scared to leave; too scared to stay.

Stevie has Bucky, but she misses the way things were so much her heart physically _hurts._ It’s almost worse than it was when she first woke up. Almost. She _does_ have Bucky now; despite their earlier discussion, they still can't help but _fit._  

 

~~~

 

There's a minor scuffle with the dregs of Hydra – Toni deals with them alone. The next day, Pepper sees the cut on her forehead, her limp, and naturally, she gets angry.

Toni is mad because she’s right. She can't do this all on her own. Maybe one day those with more power than Toni will realize that they need the Avengers back. Not random authorized agents. Teammates.

That will never happen with Thaddeus Ross as Secretary of State.

She realizes Pepper's stopped talking, has grabbed both her shoulders. _God, she looks so worried. My fault._

"Toni? Look, please. You know this can’t keep happening. Are you sure that there are no other options?"

"No."

"Then why does it always have to be you?" And isn't that why they broke up in the first place right there? Pepper never could deal with her being Iron Man.

"Not listening, Pep. Gotta go do some adjustments for the new phone upgrades. You needed them next week." Toni moves to pull away, but Pepper grabs her by the wrist instead.

"Damn it, Toni! I don’t care about the upgrades! I care about you! I can’t- I can’t watch you hurt again. I won’t."

Toni is reminded sharply and fiercely why she used to love her. She still does love Pepper, so much, but no longer with the same ache that fills her when she thinks of Stevie. It would have been safer, to love Pepper. But she’s beginning to realize, finally, that for Pepper, loving Toni Stark had never been safe.

She can respect that. She wishes she were that strong.

Toni sighs. Pepper, realizing Toni's not leaving, drops her wrists, and Toni runs her hands over her face, digs her palms into her eyes.

"I…I don’t know Pep. I just don’t know what to do. The only way to bring the others back is to either get them to sign the Accords or to clear their names. The Accords aren’t going to help, I get that now, but no one will ever agree. I’ve been trying, and I can’t… I can’t do anything…" She sinks back down onto the couch.

DUMME swings by with a mug of something dark and suspicious-smelling, making little cooing sounds of distress. Toni just thanks him, doesn't even tell him off. _At least I'll always have my bots._

Pepper comes next to her, curls herself around her after carefully kicking off her stilettos.

“That’s because you never had me idiot. You don’t have to do this alone. FRIDAY, let me know what she’s been up to?”

“Certainly, Ms. Potts. I’ll create a reading list, shall I?” Wait what?

“That would be great, thank you. Toni, listen. Let me help.”

Toni's stunned. "Pep, what? This isn't your job; you've got too much other crap to deal with."

Pepper just smiles at her, a little sad. "No, my number one job is helping my best friend."

Oh. _Oh._ Toni's speechless, no idea what to say, how to thank her. There _are_ no words for how much her help means to her. The beauty of Pepper is that she gets it anyway.

She kisses her on the cheek. “Come on. I’ll read up, and we’ll figure out a game plan. Together.” Pepper doesn’t move as she pulls out her tablet, and starts reading, scouring legal documents, highlighting as she goes. They stay that way, breathing the same air. Eventually, Toni must fall asleep, because she wakes alone on the couch.

There’s a sticky on the end table. _We all need a little help sometimes. Eat, shower, have your coffee, then meet me at the SI office at 11:00. We have a lot of work to do. Pepper x_

Toni smiles.


	2. the jump

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's some lovely Endgame denial for you! In this house we ignore all canon we don't like. 
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: Explicit m/f smut, general angst because these 3 are nothing if not bundles of pure angst and adrenaline.

It's been a good day, as good as the good days get in their new quiet existence. Bucky had woken early and returned from the farmer's market with snap peas, which they're now shelling on their tiny back stoop. They're quiet, but it's a nice kind of quiet, and the repetitive motion is soothing.

Snap the stem, pull the string, drop the pod in the bag, flick the string into the evening wind. 

The same wind is blowing Stevie's hair in her face. Some gets in her mouth, and she spits it out inelegantly. Bucky chuckles, and wordlessly offers her a hairband. Her hair is so short that she can only tie the top half of her hair into a tiny little ponytail these days, and it sticks out comically from the back of her head.

The short hair is necessary. Dying it darker was necessary. She doesn't _like_ it, per se, but she's never really cared that much about how she looks in the first place. Never really had time for it. But she can't help that little touch of insecurity, that wondering of _what must he think about me_. It's stupid, she knows. Bucky's seen her at her worst and at her best. And he of all people wouldn't care either way what the hell she looks like. But she wonders.

Used to wonder with Toni, too. Toni, who if she wasn't in a ratty tee-shirt was dressed to the nines, hair and makeup immaculate, lips painted red. Stevie is a known sucker for red lipstick _._

To be fair, Toni never seemed to care about Stevie's own lack-of-presentability. Seemed to find her attractive enough to take to bed regardless. _But not to take out anywhere. Just for bed._

It doesn't matter anymore, anyway.

But feeling the stupid tuft of hair behind her head just makes all of those insecurities…feel more real, more grounded. She's being stupid.

When she finishes tying her hair back, she turns back to Bucky to thank him and finds him staring. Which is not unusual these days, but there's _something_ in his expression that sets her heart to pounding. Had he seen her frustration?

Even when she meets his eyes, he just keeps _looking_.

Finally he opens his mouth, pauses and licks his lips. She can't help but watch the flash of his pink tongue, his plush lips. But then he speaks. “Are you - are you in love with her?” Quietly, as if he’s afraid of the answer.

_What._ “What.”

Stevie’s heart may not have gone so hard since she was small.

Love. No… it’s not. But somehow Bucky still _knows._ Back then, he’d surely seen how she looked at other women but it wasn’t something they ever talked about. Because she knew and he knew that nothing would ever come of it, despite how much she'd liked Peggy. Now they’re in a different century, things are _so_ different, and she’s learned so much about herself, about more than just her own sexuality. But this is still never a conversation she imagined having with him. Because of course she’s been in love with Bucky for almost her whole damn life, the only _man_ she's ever loved, and he's so utterly unattainable; how can he not know that, how can he sit here and ask her if she’s in love with someone else (she’s not she can't she's not).

_(And how can you be in love with someone and hurt them as badly as you've hurt her?)_

But there he is. Somehow not knowing.

“She’s in love with _you,_ ” is all Bucky follows up with. He looks up at her then, slate eyes indiscernible. It’s a mask-wearing day again, and she mourns the day she used to know without a second's glance what he was thinking, feeling. And his actual words are so outlandish that it takes several seconds for them to actually register, and when they do she feels them almost like physical blows. Because no, that’s not possible. Even more impossible than Stevie loving…

Stevie's voice breaks as she replies, “There – there’s nowhere else that I’d rather be than here with you.”

_(You're lying to yourself Rogers, lying to him, just like you lied to her because that's all you do is lie, lie, lie, and you hurt everyone but you just can't seem to stop, can you?)_

But it’s not untrue, it’s really not. Every day she gets to spend with Bucky is a gift she'd never expect to have, and she relishes them all, good and bad. It's just maybe not the entire truth. But they've been doing so well lately, communicating better, _sharing._ Just talking with him smooths out Stevie's jagged edges. She wants to smooth over his too.

Something in his gaze changes then; fractures, then softens. More like the Bucky she used to know, but not quite. Somewhere in the middle.

But it’s a sad face, resigned. Like he’s already decided that he’s going to lose her and is bracing himself for the inevitable. It’s a face she’s familiar with, saw it every time Toni was first starting to reach out to the other team members, already sure that friendship was impossible and any connections formed were temporary.

_No._ Stevie's not going to make the same mistakes again. She will _not_ lose Bucky. Like she lost him before (like she lost Toni).

Maybe Toni is a lost cause. Even if that secret part of Stevie still longs for her.  But Bucky's here. She can fix this, fix what's broken between them, and it's more than she thought there was but she _has to._

But Bucky speaks before she can. “You can be with her now, you know. I saw things in this century – it’s allowed. You don’t have to hide like you did with Peggy. And I know I’ve said it before, but you _can_ go back. Even if I can’t. Even if I…don’t come with you.”

She's shaking her head before he's even finished speaking. Because no. They've already had this discussion. “Bucky, no! You know I won’t do that!”

She pauses, turning over his actual words. So he did know. Confirming what she’s already suspected. “So you know.”

And then Bucky smiles, just a bit, one corner of his mouth pulled up. But his eyes are still hesitant, searching ( _sad?_ ). "Can’t hide anything from me, punk. If you love women, that’s…that’s fine with me. I just want you to be happy."

He doesn’t even look uncomfortable, not really, and she wonders if that’s because he too, has done his research on the new century they live in, or if he truly would have been alright with the idea of her…dating, loving fooling other women when they were younger. (Or, more likely, resigning herself to a loveless marriage because that was just what people _did._ Maybe she'd have lived to see the gay rights movement, but she would have been an old woman. What would he have thought of her then?) She doubts he had the time or the will to learn about social movements while acting as Hydra's right hand. She's never going to ask.

Truths for truths. “Well…I do. And I love men too.” (I love _you._ )

"You’re not homo- uh, I mean, _gay_ , then?" That answers the research question. And doesn’t that make her stomach all fluttery.

"I'm bisexual," she says, and it's easy, it's…actually the first time she's said it out loud to anyone. She likes that it sounds confident; if she's sure of nothing else, she's sure of that much ( _thank you Toni, for showing me_ ). "It means I’m attracted to both women and men. For me, it’s…usually women I guess, but some men too. For other people it's different. I’m…still probably not the best one to explain it. I can find you some articles on it."

He looks at her, long, from under his dark lashes. "Okay then." Easy.  

Out of nowhere, he smiles again, a true one, and it’s so rare to see and so beautiful that it’s like fucking sunshine. Stevie could try and try and try and never capture on paper that crooked grin she knows almost better than her own face in the mirror.

For that moment, seeing that smile, she feels brave again. She grabs his hand, the one that's closest, and it's the metal one (it's cool against her skin, but the machinery under it whirrs, faintly, almost like a pulse). "Thank you."

“For what?” He even looks a little confused, like he truly doesn't know how much his easy acceptance means to her.

But then he grabs her other hand, squeezes, and his smile softens into something impossibly tender. 

The knot loosens in her chest, not gone, but more bearable.

And so Stevie tilts forward, slumps really, to press her forehead against his chest and just _breathe_ him in, the same scent as her childhood.

And Bucky stiffens. But before she can even begin to panic, he relaxes, and then his hand comes up to tangle itself in her hair, and for a while the two of them just breathe. _This. Yes. Just this is enough._ It's nothing they haven't done before, but not for a _long_ time, not when they're not trying to sleep at night. That's desperation. This is choosing.

“I’m not going anywhere, jerk,” she mumbles into his chest. “I’m not leaving you; we've established that,” she adds as she finally pulls away.   

Bucky just looks at her.

She still can’t tell what he’s thinking, but then his hand comes up to brush away a tear she didn’t realize was slipping down her face. _Huh._

And she’s not sure who moves first, but his lips are on hers then, gentle, oh so gentle, barely touching.

She can feel his breath. His hand that’s still on her cheek is trembling.

Stevie grabs it, threads their fingers together, squeezes. She’s not quite sure what’s happening but this is everything, perfect, right without even trying. And she’s wanted for years and years and years, and so she cups his face, lets her eyes slide shut as their lips, carefully, delicately, move over one another, gentle caresses making her skin tingle.

After a minute she pulls back. “Buck…” she whispers. His eyes are still closed, his breathing a little ragged. She has to tell him. It’s not fair to him; he should know. _No more lies. Starting now._ “Bucky.” His eyes open. So beautiful up close; she could spend hours counting his eyelashes.

“You were right. Partly. I was with Toni.” He pulls back a little, eyes shuttered. “We did… I don’t know what we were. We- we cared for each other, I guess.” _(More?)_

And now his eyes are looking defeated, and so she hastens to add, “but I meant what I said. I’m not going anywhere.”

He’s unreadable again, and all she wants is to clutch at him, pull him at her far too tight and never let go. But he would hate that, she knows.

“Please don’t leave,” Stevie adds, in a pained little voice that doesn’t sound a thing like her own. 

And Bucky look at her then, really looks at her, his eyes tracing over every feature. A slow smile starts, from one corner to the other. A deep breath and then:

“I’ve been in love with you since we were fifteen you punk. That ain’t changing now.”

She sobs. “Oh god, I love you too Buck. So much.”

And then they’re kissing again, as Stevie desperately pushes her lips against his, tries to convey the feelings that a simple " _I love you_ " could never hope to express, tries to _push_ the feeling into him by way of their lips touching, because it's too much for one person to all contain.

And Bucky pulls her in.

 

~~~

 

Toni travels a lot these days. Not that she didn’t before, but now it seems like she spends more nights than not in a hotel suite rather than at home.

(Home? Where is home? List of places Toni Stark can call home:

  1. The tower
  2. ~~Malibu~~
  3. ~~Stark mansion~~
  4. ~~The Avengers compound~~
  5. ~~Pepper~~
  6. Rhodey
  7. ~~Stevie~~



Not a great list, these days.)

She doesn’t mind the hotel hopping life, not really. The only thing she actually misses is her lab and its ease of access. It feels a lot like her party girl days, actually – never sleeping in the same bed (or with the same person) twice. Except now Toni Stark's version of a nice night is running a bath in one of the huge bathtubs that these suites always have (if there was one thing therapy was good for, it was getting her over her fear of bathtubs), bringing her tablet in with her, and working while she soaks her aching muscles. No booze, no men, no women. Just her and a bathtub. Sometimes a movie. _Damn, she’s getting old._

And it’s really fucking lonely.

Oh, she sees Rhodey of course; he’s extra worried about her these days after that stupid incident when he found her drunk on the floor (no drinking since then, she'd promised, and she's kept her word). She’s still perfecting the leg braces. They're supposed to anticipate his movement by reading his muscle movements in the waist, like Barnes' arm. But they're still not quite right. The slower he moves, the less responsive they are. Rhodey jokes that it’s easier to fly these days than walk, and that makes her feel so fucking _guilty_ that she just starts blabbering, even sober, and she knows if she slowed down for one moment she’d be sobbing.

Rhodey always seems to get that. Reminds her that _sometimes you have to run before you can walk, Toni, you'd know._ And he keeps calling her “Stank” to cheer her up, the asshole. God, she doesn't know what she would do if she had lost him, too.

Pepper checks in a lot too, but their conversations about anything but work or the Register these days are few and far between. And Toni knows how busy she is – she’s not complaining. Pepper helping out with the UN and Ross has been - _so_ helpful, Toni doesn't have enough words of gratitude. It's Pepper that's gotten her farther than she ever could standing on her own. It's just…she misses her.  

And of course, she hears nothing from the Avengers (though to be fair, she's changed her number like 50 times). Yes, she has Vision, and she thanks whatever god there might be that he sticks by her. And ~~wonderful, darling, perfect~~ Peter ~~delights~~ annoys her by bombarding her with texts. Things could be worse, but….

She misses Bruce and his quiet strength, his ability to calm her more manic impulses and be _just_ on her level for their next scientific breakthrough. She misses Thor, his hugs and gentle care for his friends. And she misses the ones who left. Clint, even though he was an ass. Natasha still stings, but she can't help it. She misses Sam, the nicest of all of them probably. Even Wanda, who's always hated her, whose power used to give her literal nightmares.

And Stevie. Holy shit does she miss Stevie. The sex, yeah, the sex was great. But also just talking with her, laughing with her, teasing her and being teased back. Seeing her sketching in the corner of her workshop or speaking in a quiet kind voice to DUM-E.  Even fighting with her ( _vibranium smashing into her chest, stealing her breath…_ )

So yeah, she’s really fucking lonely. Because for a while, she'd forgotten the most important lesson: don't let anyone in who you won't be willing to lose.

But there's Vision and the kid to keep an eye on, at least. And there's work. Lots of it.

She’s in Geneva now. There are more conferences about the Accords and the Register with the United Nations Security Council. Somehow Toni has become the spokesperson for what’s left of the Avengers and if she lets herself think too hard about it she'll panic because _damn this thing has eaten up her life in more ways than one and goddamnit it's the right thing to do but what if it's not, what if it never goes anywhere…_

She doesn’t let herself think about it.

_So much for a relaxing bath._

And if she comes out of the steamy bathroom in a robe and a towel turban to find a metal-armed assassin lounging on the bed, well, she’s not that surprised. It turns out there's one regular break in her loneliness.  

He looks pretty calm today. Some days he looks so haunted that he barely says a word, so Toni does what she does best and just talks at him about work and inane things until he looks more at peace.

But today, Bucky is sitting cross-legged on her bed, pretty as you please, flicking through the room service menu. It’s kind of adorable.

“Hey Sarge, go ahead and order something if you want food. I’ll just be a few minutes.” He looks up and nods, and goes back to perusing the menu like it’s one of those romance novels they sell at grocery stores, the ones that are bestsellers without anyone ever seeming to read them. Weirdo.

She grabs her pajamas and ducks back into the bathroom, changing quickly and brushing out her wet hair. Looking at herself in the mirror, she wonders if she should do more, preen herself up a bit for her visitor. Makeup would be dumb, but maybe a touch of mascara? Concealer, to hide her godawful bags?

But, well, it’s Bucky.

The last time he was here she examined his arm and determined that yes, she could make a ridiculously better design than the one he had on, even if it was some super crazy high tech Wakandan work (okay, maybe she was a little jealous about how good it was. But still, she could make one that was better! Just may need a little more time to figure out how). She'd asked to take a closer look and then touched the wrong place and it was like he shut down. He'd flinched back, backing against a wall. A lot like an abused puppy. Then they sat on the floor while he cried for an hour.

Point is, she doesn’t think he’d care if he doesn’t see her at her most put-together. But okay, fine, she'd picked out her lacy pajama shorts to wear. She's definitely barking up the wrong tree (he's Stevie's man, 110%), but sometimes she just can't help herself.

Toni comes out of the bathroom. He hasn’t moved, but there's something about him that's different. Clearer, somehow. Happier? Hard to say. Younger, maybe. It's a nice look, whatever it is.

The blink-and-you-miss-it glance up her bare legs is also a good look. Never let it be said Toni Stark isn't an opportunist. She'll take what she can get and chalk that one up as a victory.

She joins him on the bed and Bucky wordlessly hands her the menu. She's really not hungry, never really is these days. But based on a previous visit, he won't order anything unless she does. So she takes it. It's in French.

"It's in French." Toni, does, in fact, speak passable French. Rhodey made her download a language program on her phone after she was recovering from her heart surgery. It took her a few weeks, but she was drugged up.

"So?"

"So, read it to me."

Bucky speaks French too, as well as maybe fifty other languages. She likes the sound of his voice sounding the French words better than her own.

Bucky just rolls his eyes at her, but dutifully takes the menu back. He doesn't read it or translate it though, just flips it over and over aimlessly. The metal hand works seamlessly with the flesh and bone one. It's stunning. And in that moment, she's not even jealous at the quality of the tech, she's just admiring. The power and delicacy in the fingers.

_Oh, fuck. No._

A sharp pinch to the inside of her knee pulls Toni back. "I wanted to scan that, but I didn't bring the tech with me." She points to the arm.

Bucky smiles wryly. “Well, it’s not exactly like you knew I was coming, now, did you?”

“Yeah, about that, you could give a girl some warning, you know. How do you even know where I’m going to be?”

“Now telling you would take the fun out of it, wouldn’t it.”

Toni laughs, head tilted back towards the ceiling. Silence falls. An idea hits. “Come on, we’re in Switzerland. Let’s go get fondue.” It'll be fine. He's still technically a wanted man but no one really knows what he looks like.  

Bucky just snorts, shakes his head slowly.

“What, you don’t like fondue? What about raclette? Dude, if you don’t like cheese I swear we can’t be friends. Like I get if you don’t like those little pickles or the weird onions they serve with it, but come on, fondue is like, the culmination of everything that’s good about cheese…”

She trails off. Bucky is laughing, and she’s startled by the joy of it. “What?”

He stops laughing, finally, but the smile is still there, wide and filled with mirth. “Did Stevie ever tell you about that time she nearly punched Howard over fondue?”

_What?_ No she hadn’t. This…Stevie nearly punched _her dad?_ Her father, the great Howard Stark? _Ha, incredible._  “Excuse me, Barnes? You two have both been withholding important information from me. This must be rectified immediately. Preferably over a large pot of cheese.”

Bucky grins again. “Take me for fondue, Stark, and I’ll spill.”

“Deal.”

She has to change, and she does end up putting on mascara and lipstick, and it's a bit of a walk, but it's nice. She probably should have let someone know she was heading out but oh well. She takes him to the Old Town, to a restaurant nestled into the little cobblestone streets in such a way that it could have been there forever. The inside is bright and warm. Rustic, not her usual type of place. But old isn't necessarily bad, not for this kind of thing, and candlelight glints prettily off of Bucky’s dark hair. And no one gives either of them a second glance, though the server is clearly taken with Bucky. It’s lovely.

Almost every time they’d met before, they’d talked about heavy topics, things that would be difficult to discuss with anyone else but, because of their shared history were somehow easier. Toni had explained PTSD to Bucky, they talked about the toils of war and about Howard’s shit parenting techniques and about the effects of brainwashing.

Tonight is different. They laugh, trade jokes and stories. Over a pot of fondue. Possibly the cheesiest ( _ha, ha Stark_ ) date food in the world.

But Bucky talks a lot about Stevie, about growing up with Stevie, about the good times they shared together. And it doesn’t hurt as much as it could. Her heart still aches, there's still that seed of anger and resentment. But maybe, maybe it's smaller now. Matters less. Because hearing all the good things about Stevie just reminds Toni of her own time with her, of the good times before they went to shit. So Toni shares her own stories, of how they’d hated each other at first, done everything they could to make each other’s lives miserable, about how Stevie turned out to be wonderful. She carefully steers the conversation to the fun times they shared (no angst, no sex). Nothing of the fallout.

She doesn’t know how she'd react if Stevie were in front of her now, but at least it's easier now to think and talk about her without the anger.

At one point, Bucky gets serious as he reminisces on how small and fragile she used to be, and about how scared he would get that her lungs or her heart would one day just…stop.

Toni shudders at this, holds her fork still, watches the cheese slowly drip, drip, drip, back into the pot. She thinks about Stevie, so full of life, heart so big. Remembers the pictures she’s seen of her before she became the tall, strong athletic woman she is today. Both beautiful, of course. But so much less breakable now. “I’m glad that she took the serum then.”

“Me too.” Bucky smiles again, a little tremulously. Toni looks into his eyes for a moment, and then steps on her own foot deliberately hard. She’s not allowed to be attracted to him too ( _it’s not fair_ ). She takes a too hot bite and then nearly chokes. It works to break the tension.

As they leave the restaurant, Toni takes a rare moment to just _stop,_ and she breathes the night air, listens to the clanging of the cathedral bells on the half hour. Tomorrow, the UN is going to _suck,_ but tonight has been…

She turns, notices Bucky staring at her, head tilted to the side. He’s very still. Assassin-level still. Toni would almost be afraid, if it wasn’t Bucky. “ _You’re_ good for her too, I think.”

Before Toni can even _begin_ to figure out what that means, Bucky’s gone.

She’s left alone the chilly night air. She thinks of Stevie, of Bucky, of blue eyes and strong arms and soft lips and she can't tell which person she’s thinking of, which one she wants more.

“Shit!” She turns and punches a wall. It doesn’t help. It’s stone.

Nothing is ever simple in the life of Toni Stark.

 

~~~

 

His hands are running up and down her waist, under her shirt, and the contrast in temperature between the warm flesh and cool metal is giving her goose bumps. Or maybe the goose bumps are from the feel of plush lips slowly working their way down her neck. Or at the feel of teeth nipping at her collarbone. Stevie arches up into him, feels him hard against her. It's unfamiliar, thrilling in a new way; she's never been this close to anyone but a woman.

They’ve been taking everything slow – the relationship, the sex. With Toni, everything was fast, overwhelming. Like jumping out a plane without a parachute. Or pushing her bike just one inch beyond too fast. This, this is still overwhelming, in entirely the opposite way. Slow, like honey, like…

She _ache_ s, with a feeling that started between her legs but has now set every nerve on icy fire. _This_ is a feeling Stevie knows, and she wants more.

And she knows that Bucky does too, knows it in the way that he’s almost rutting up against her in his lap, in the way his mouth sighs out her name, a benediction: “ _Stevie…_ ”

Then he flips them, and she is so startled by the sudden motion that she nearly lashes out. But all he does is lean back to pull his shirt over his head. Stevie watches the rippling of muscles under skin, and though her skin is flushed and her breathing uneven, she wishes for her sketchbook, because Bucky is so _damn gorgeous._ And powerful, even if the scars break her heart.

She reaches up, runs her hand down one particularly vicious one across his left pectoral, ending in the mess of scar tissue where flesh ends and metal begins. He flinches, so she pulls away.

“Sorry,” she whispers, voice hoarse.

He grins, and her worries melt away. “No need darlin', just…” He doesn’t finish, but she doesn’t need him to. He’s still sitting up, kneeling over her, so she sits up too, and inelegantly strips off her own shirt, discarding her sports bra equally quickly, her face heating as she does.

Because fuck, this is Bucky. Her childhood best friend. Her secret love, her soulmate through thick and thin, damaged but remade, and beautiful, and maybe, actually _hers_.

Because he’s going to see her _naked._ She's going to see _him_ naked. _They are going to have sex._ And wanting and doing are two very different things.

Slowly, feeling oddly shy, Stevie lays herself back down, feels the way his eyes move across her skin as much as she feels the fabric under her. She's not the most conventionally attractive, never has been. Before, she was too skinny, now she's almost too buff, broad shouldered and hard muscle rather than soft and curved. Like with the hair, she sometimes just wonders…

Finally, she looks at his face, and the look of _awe_ floors her. Bucky looks at her like she’s something precious, like he never has before, not even after seeing her as Captain America for the first time. For the first time she really considers. Bucky’s loved her too, the same as she’s loved him. Has wanted her as long as he’s known her, and as long as he’s remembered her. It’s…a lot…to realize that she is the object of that much affection. It hadn't felt like that with Toni ( _even if she’d wanted it to_ ).

Bucky brings her full attention back to him when he finally speaks. “God, darlin', you’re so damn _beautiful_.” She can't help but blush, and Bucky's eyes follow it as it spreads down her neck and chest. Is he blushing too?  

And for a second she thinks about her old body, back when she was too small and too skinny, and their old apartment, and imagines herself as she was then. About how he'd probably be looking at her with the same hunger and awe. And how if they did this then, his body would completely cover hers, enveloping her. She shivers, and their eyes meet. There’s no time to savor the thought because his mouth is on her. He can’t seem to keep away from her skin, and she’s not complaining. His lips find her breast; he circles her nipple with her tongue as his hands stroke up and down her sides. This too, is a familiar sensation, but the fingers, calloused and steel, are new.

"This okay?" He asks again, against her skin.

She giggles, then sighs, "Don't be an idiot." She feels him grin against her skin.

Bucky doesn’t stop at her breasts for long, but moves his mouth down, kissing and nipping and licking at her skin, leaving damp trails of fire in his wake. His five-o'clock shadow rasps against the sensitive skin of her stomach, and _god,_ she loves it. Lower, and lower, and lower. The first touch of his mouth on her inner thigh has her gasping, and she grabs his hair, pulling a little too hard. Bucky’s answering moan is definitely not from pain.

_Shit._ She tucks his reaction away for later, for future exploration. Right now, Bucky's lips still aren’t where she wants them.

But then he pauses, looks up at her with head tilted to the side. “You’ve done this before, with Toni. Mind telling me what I’m doing? I ain’t got a clue.” She jolts a little, at hearing Toni’s name, but then his words hit.

“You’re doing just, just, ahh, fine!” She opens her legs, and with her fingers still in his hair guides his head down, down.  _Has he really never done this before,_ she wonders? _Maybe as the Winter Soldier, but maybe not as Bucky. Not in a way that mattered._ She didn't think her heart could break more for him than it already had. Though she could have sworn...he went on lots of dates…

“Fuck!” Stevie’s thoughts are cut off at the feel of stubble against her inner thighs, deliciously rough. She wants it to leave marks, proof of this moment.

And then his mouth is between her legs, finally. Soft lips and a wet tongue against her. He takes a second to lap at her, gently, once, twice. His tongue flicks, barely touching her.

“Ah!” A breathy, half moan, half cry escapes her and her other hand comes down to wind itself in his hair, so that she’s practically clutching at his head. He hums.

His tongue moves over her clit, and her back arches. She pushes his head further against her, involuntarily. When she realizes what she’s doing she tries to let go, but one of Bucky’s hands leaves her thigh to push her hands back into his hair. He tries the same motion again. She heaves in a breath.

“Here?” He murmurs, lips never leaving her.

“ _Yes_ ,” Stevie hisses out. And with no more prompting, he gets to work.

All she can hear is the roaring in her ears, and then before she knows it, within minutes, she’s climaxing, Bucky’s name on her lips, back arched and pulling on Bucky’s hair probably too much, but he doesn’t seem to mind.

He leans back as if to pull away. “No,” she pants out. Not done yet. She grabs his hand, the metal one, curls the ring finger and pinkie in to the palm and guides the other two back down between her legs.

“Inside…please.” It’s all the words she can manage right now, but no way are they stopping yet.

“Holy shit,” Bucky whispers, sounding nearly as overcome as she feels, but does as she asks, sliding the two fingers into her, where she’s already so wet.

And oh _god,_ the metal, firmer and cooler than flesh fingers and _perfect._ His fingers start to pump, and he seems to know instinctually how to curve them just right inside her.

He’s talking now, and her ears take a second to focus on the words. His voice is hoarse; he sounds wrecked. “God Stevie, you’re so…this is so…you’re so gorgeous like this, could do this to you for days, wish we could have done this back in Brooklyn. I would have made you feel so good, gotta make it up now. Come on, let me see you, love you so much…”

She lifts her head, craning her neck to see that he’s thrusting his hips down against the bed as he works her body. _Jesus._ And he looks debauched already, hair sweat-slicked to his forehead, mouth wet from her, lips red as a dream and pressed against her inner thigh. 

She comes again. This time he doesn’t stop, keeps his fingers moving inside her, and then he brings his mouth back down…. Another two times and she is a mess, sweaty and trembling, but Bucky, the shit that he is, seems to have gotten over being overwhelmed and looks perfectly at ease, and stupidly pleased with himself. He finally pauses in his methodical work of wringing pleasure out of her body and looks up into her face.

His eyes still have that almost awed look, but now he asks, “How do you stop then? If you’re with a girl? If you can just keep on going like that? How are you not doing this all the time?”

Stevie gives a tired grin. Before he can do anything, she flips them over so that he’s on his back, and she’s sitting on his thighs. Her legs feel a little like noodles, but she’s not planning on getting up for a while and no way are they done. She slides her hands down his stomach, muscles jumping beneath her fingers. She shoots a look up at Bucky, silently asking permission, but he’s got himself balanced on his elbows and grins, panting. “All yours, Stevie girl. If you wanna take your time, that’s okay too. We can probably make it to the 22nd century.”

She slaps him lightly on the chest for that, and he just laughs. It’s a beautiful sound.

She stops hesitating, and then reaches into the waistband of his briefs and pulls out his…. _Penis_ , she thinks. _Call it what it is_. It’s the first she’s seen that’s not a drawing or a sculpture (it was adorable how nervous the boys in the Army got around her, even long after they were all living out of each other’s pockets). It’s long, darker than the rest of his skin, reddish purple as if too much blood has been stuck there for too long, curved upwards towards his stomach, and _hard_. She traces one finger down its length and Bucky _shudders,_ a full body shudder. “Oh, fuck _Stevie!_ ”

It’s encouragement if ever there was any, and she wraps her hand loosely around his cock, taking in the weight and heat of it. She strokes her hand up and down, slow, so slow.

Finally, she speaks, to answer his earlier question. Two can play at this game, and she’s taken some lessons in seduction from Toni. “You know, girls can just keep going, and going, and going. As long as our hands and mouths work, and as long as you can come up with ways to use them.”

“Stevie!” Bucky's voice is strangled, and she feels a rush of delight that she can make him sound like this.  She keeps moving her hand, a little faster now, and soon the only sound is the wet of her hand moving against his skin, the sound of his moans.

And she's rutting against his thigh, slowly undulating her hips in time with the movement of her hand. She could watch Bucky like this forever, face slack, cheeks flushed and lips bitten red and swollen. They definitely should have been doing this earlier.

She keeps up the slow pace, her other hand questing across his chest, her hips riding his leg, slowly, almost lazily, not in any rush. She just wants to keep watching him. At one point she ducks her head and bites at his nipple, making him buck up into her hand.

His eyes are screwed tight shut, but after a long moan, a question bursts out. “Did you, did you use your mouth on her? Like I did on you?”

He _likes_ hearing about it, Stevie realizes, and a rush of heat floods through her. _He likes hearing about me and Toni. My god_. She should be embarrassed, alarmed even, but she grins, begins to stroke him faster, speeding up her movements against his thigh. God she could come again just from this.

“Yeah, she loved it. _Begged_ me for it. And I loved doing it. It was beautiful, Buck, wish you could have seen it.” At her words, his hips thrust, pushing himself further into her hand and he _moans._  

He’s close, and Stevie wants to try something, so she mimics Bucky’s earlier actions, sliding slowly down his body, trailing kisses. When his cock is in front of her face, she doesn’t hesitate, but wraps her lips around the head. It doesn’t taste much different than a girl does, she’s relieved to find.

She barely has time to flick her tongue before Bucky is coming with a soft cry, and suddenly a hot viscous liquid fills her mouth. She swallows reflexively. Not as bad as Toni made it sound. Not at all.

She crawls back up his body until she’s perched on his lap again, and they kiss, lazily, sloppily, open mouths and tongues sliding together with no real technique or intent. They taste like each other, she thinks.

They kiss tiredly for a few minutes, and when they stop, she pushes her face into his neck, breathes in the scent of sweat and bare skin, feels his pulse under her cheek. She’s practically on top of him still, but he doesn’t seem to mind. Bucky has his metal arm around her waist while his other hand strokes through her hair and it’s so familiar, and so nice. She almost forgets about what it was they said ( _what got Bucky off_ ).

“Should have been doing that seventy years ago,” he finally says. She huffs out a laugh against his skin.

“Well, obviously you weren’t the only stupid one, or else I would have done something earlier,” Stevie says, still into his neck. She’s definitely doing to have chafing from his stubble, _not just on her face_. She loves it.

“Hey!” he exclaims, with no real heat. They’re silent for a little while longer, and Stevie relaxes against him, absorbing his warmth.

And then he breaks the silence. “So. Toni.”

She stiffens. She’d been trying so hard not to actually think… “What about her.”

Neither of them move. And then he takes her chin, makes her move her head from her nesting spot in the crook of his neck, and he’s looking right into her eyes.

“Toni. I…I like her, and I know you do too. Probably more than really like her. And I know she loves you.”

She begins to protest, mind reeling, but he hushes her. “No, no, I know it. And the two of us, me and Toni, we…get along.” And briefly, he explains their meetings, how they talk and Toni’s let him in, long since forgiven him for her parents.

Stevie’s brain feels like it may be combusting. Her eyes hurt from how wide they’ve gotten but she can't stop staring. Can't blink. Can't move. Her heart may not be beating, she thinks as she stares at Bucky.

“Look, we’re in a new century Stevie, who’s to say we can’t make something work? I’ve read a little about it; it’s not unprecedented. If it’s not what you want, that’s one thing, but I think it may be. To have both of us?”

_Both of them. Bucky and Toni. Toni and Bucky. Bucky, Toni, and Stevie. All of them._ For a second, she allows herself to imagine…

“It’s." She can't speak. Clears her throat. Huffs out a half-laugh, half-sigh. Sits still for a moment. And still, Bucky just keeps stroking her hair. Waiting for her.

"It's a nice fantasy Bucky, but… I don't-"

"Not a fantasy darling."

"….But even if it was a possibility for a relationship for the three of us, I don’t think she’d want anything to do with me."

"I think you're wrong."

She can't breathe. "Why are you doing this, Buck?" She moves to pull away but he's there, both hands on either side of her face, making her look at him. Making her face this. _God_ , she wants to run away.

He just looks at her, unblinking and earnest. "Because I know you, and I know me, and I'm beginning to know her. And I'd like to think there's a way we can all be happy."

And the thought of Bucky…and Toni. Together. She remembers a fight, the cold, metal clanging.

_He's my friend._

_So was I._ Far more than that.

Slamming a shield into a circle of light. Watching it flicker and die. Knowing she'd broken more than just a mechanical heart that day.

She sighs. "Even if, even if that's something you want, that ship sailed long ago, and I made my choice, and I chose you.”

Bucky just smiles at her. Stevie can tell he’s calling bullshit but is deciding for the moment to spare her. He doesn’t look deterred in the least. “I know you did, and I love you for it. But what if you didn’t have to?”

 

~~~

 

Toni is elbows deep in R&D, feeling more at home than she has in ages. She’s in the Tower, and until ten minutes ago, Bruce was there (because he’s back and _how she's missed him_ – and he’s saying nothing about the Accords and she’s said nothing to the new – _better –_ UN taskforce she’s been working with. She thinks they might be onto a real something. But anyway, until she knows for sure, she’s not going to say anything to them.) So things are _fan-fucking-tastic_ and maybe she even means it. Because it's Bruce.

Plus she's staying in the Tower, Bruce is there, and the New York city lights remind her of why she likes this place so much. And she has a real lab to play with for the first time in forever. The hotel lifestyle is _really_ not for her anymore. Even if it means fewer visits from a metal-armed supersoldier.

But still, she’s happier than she’s been in a while. Life's more balanced, this way. And Peter's even been swinging around every once and a while, and as annoying as he is he just grows on you. Kind of like a fungus but cuter.  

"No, Parker. I won't help you with that. That's your own damn problem."

"But if the antiderivative-"

"I told you I don't want to hear about your math homework."

"But Ms. Stark,"

"Zip it. And it's Toni. And you're late for dinner with your aunt."

"Not if I use my newer webslingers."

"No freaking way, kid. I'm calling you a cab. No way am I going to be the one May yells at when you get back with fun bruises." The last time had been an experience Toni was not keen to repeat.

"Ugh, fine." He looks so fucking sad. Is he an actual puppy? What the hell?

She sighs. "And text me if you need help with calculus later. God knows I've got nothing better to do."

Next thing she knows, Toni has her arms full of gangly teenager. He's like 4 inches taller than her, which is _embarrassing,_ but he's so earnest in his affection and he hugs so tight she can't help but squeeze back. Just a little. She'll deny it all if pressed.

"Thank you, Ms. Stark. You're the best!"

"Toni."

"Bye, Ms. Stark!" And then he's out the revolving door. She watches him carefully through the glass to make sure he _actually_ hails a cab, then watches him get in. God knows she can't trust him not to duck into the nearest alley to pull out his stupid spandex suit. Which he shouldn’t do after dark on a school night anyway.

As she turns back to the elevator, she freezes. " _Fuck_ , is this what it's like being a mom?"

"I don't know, you tell me." And Bucky's right there, at her elbow.

She jumps, then rolls her eyes at his grin. _He's here. In the Tower._

_Play it cool._ "Long time, no see."

He just raises an eyebrow. "Could say the same."

"Break into any hotels lately?"

"Nah, no one there worth talking to." _Okay, um._ "And your security's too good here, so." _He's tried to come before_ , is what she hears.

Her mouth runs on instinct. "Of course it does, babe, have you even met me? I'm Toni Stark. Got a reputation to uphold, and all that."

She's rewarded with a smile. Which, good. She'll deny she's ever called him _any_ term of endearment, let alone anything with couple-y intent. No endearment here.

"Well? You gonna show me the ropes, or what?"

This is how she finds herself bringing him up her private elevator. She gives him a brief tour of her suite, tries not to think about the empty floors below hers. And then somehow they find themselves in her lab. Where _no one_ comes if they're not Bruce, or Pepper, or Rhodey, or Peter. Stevie used to come, but she's long gone.  

And he asks her what she's working on. And Toni shows him. And he stays there, right at her shoulder, silent but listening intently as she explained the new and improved solar cell. Not touching, but so close that she can pretty much feel him, and feel his eyes trained on the back of her head.

When she's finally talked herself to a standstill, he's still there. And he's not saying anything.

“What’s up, cupcake?” she asks as she turns to face him.

He looks different than before, and not because he’s _literally maybe 8 inches from her face and wow he’s hot_. There’s actually something in his face that she doesn’t recognize. Toni’s been keeping track of Bucky’s usual facial expressions and they’re usually

  1. Dead blank stare of the “I’ll kill you in your sleep” variety
  2. Dead blank stare of the “I’m sad and haunted by my past and don’t know how to deal with it” variety
  3. Dead blank stare of the “I’m from the 1940’s and I don’t understand that reference” variety
  4. His “look at me as I try to charm the pants off of you” crooked grin
  5. His smaller, more true crooked smile – rare, but beautiful
  6. His laugh – rarer, and even more beautiful
  7. His smile when he talks about Stevie – the most beautiful (the one that hurts the most)



She’s never seen this look on his face before. He looks nervous. At least, she thinks so. Then he smiles at her (number 4), which is kind of blinding, and before she can recover, says to her, “I wanna try something. If you don’t want to feel free to hit me.”

And while Toni is still mesmerized by the full force of those pearly whites, he’s eliminated the remaining distance between them. Bucky bends down, places both hands on either side of her face, left hand pleasantly cool against her heated skin, and just…. He kisses her, pretty fucking passionately. Toni is frozen, torn between pulling him into her and never letting him go anywhere, ever, and pushing him away and demanding to know what the fuck he thought he was doing.

Before she could do either, he's pulled away. “That was from Stevie.”

And again before she could so much as blink, Bucky’s lips are on hers again, just as passionately. This time, despite herself she tentatively responds, pushes forward the slightest amount into his mouth, lets her own mouth fall open. A hint of tongue –

He pulls away again. “And that one was from me.”

He shuffles backward suddenly, almost all confidence gone, hunched in on himself. It’s like seeing a different person. Toni thinks she has whiplash. She wonders if she’s hit her head or maybe inhaled toxic fumes. It wouldn’t be the first time. When was the last time she slept?

“Sorry, I should have asked first. Consent is important.”

Toni’s brain is stuck on a loop of _whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck._ She squeaks, clears her throat. “Umm…what the fuck was that Barnes?”

But Bucky’s already gone. She could make FRIDAY pause the elevator, but she's not sure she can speak yet.

Toni raises her hands to her lips and traces them with her fingers. This…was not what she expected. Ever. At all.

“FRIDAY, did that really just happen?” she finally calls out.

“If you mean did Sargent Barnes truly kiss you twice, then yes, I’m afraid she did.”

“Well, shit.”

"As you say, Boss."

Well. This maybe changes things?

 

~~~

 

It’s a strange situation, and yet it’s pretty damn freeing to realize that you and the love of your life both want the same person.

Knowing that Bucky had been visiting Toni? That they've been getting along?

She's hadn't been jealous. She's not. She just hates how it makes her confront his own cowardice. She'd never thought of herself as a coward, ever, not when she was small and would tell off bullies without a second thought, and not when she was a woman in active combat in the War. When Stevie knew nothing else about herself, about her own potential, she'd always known she was brave and unafraid to do the right thing.

_But I haven't been brave, not really, not in a long time._ _I hid behind my shield, hid from hard truths, hid behind what I thought was right_.

And if she herself had been the only one hurt by her own actions, maybe Stevie could have lived with it. But her cowardice had hurt others. Not just Toni, but Bucky, Sam, Natasha. Wanda and Clint. All those who chose to listen to her because they thought she must know what was right. While all along she'd been sticking her head in the sand.

And she's still so afraid, afraid of facing the consequences of her actions, of the devastation she's wrought.

She can't help but compare herself to to Bucky. And to Toni. Bucky, who broke decades of Hydra programming, and instead of giving up chose to fight for a new life, a better life. The amount of courage that takes is staggering for her to imagine. And Toni? Who discovered the unforeseen consequences of her actions, and fought to minimize the damage any way she could, who would do anything and everything including give her own life to right the wrongs done in her name.

And Stevie? Up until recently, she's still been living in denial. And she refuses to do so any longer.

So she enrolled herself in therapy, under an alias, and a backstory as a salt-of-the-earth veteran. It was Sam's advice originally, but Bucky had given her a long look, and therapy had been so useful for him. He smiles more every day, and on his bad days he _asks_ for help, doesn't run, even though she can tell he's fighting 70 years of instinct to do so.

The least Stevie could do is put the same level of effort into this relationship. Work to give her whole self the way it's so clear he's trying to give his.

And she wants to. Trusting him in a way she doesn't think she's trusted anyone since she woke up in an alien new world? It's exhilarating, freeing. Like jumping from a plane and never worrying about hitting the ground. Like the Cyclone at Coney Island.

The two of them could be happy together forever here, Stevie thinks. Just them and a quiet little house in the middle of nowhere.

But it's not what they both want, she knows that now. And Stevie's finally tired of being scared.

And that realization? It's like unclenching muscles you haven't realized are tense. Like waking up refreshed after months of poor sleep. Captain America has always been brave, and Stevie Rogers needs to step up to the plate.

Bravery starts with letting other people behind your walls. (And isn't it funny, she'd once thought that Toni had up so many walls, and wanted so badly to see behind them when really she was in the process of building up her own.)

The first step is sharing with Bucky. Sharing _everything_ , and not just what she thinks he wants or needs to hear. Sharing their feelings for Toni.

Because he does truly seem to like her, want to know her more. Which only makes sense; Stevie still has a hard time understanding how people close to Toni can _not_ be drawn in, not come to care for her.

And Stevie and Bucky have always shared. Maybe, _if_ it was something Toni wanted, they can share Toni, too. Share whatever, if anything, she was willing to give them after everything.  

Stevie can't quite let herself hope. At this point, she'd be happy to just be in her presence again.

So step two was letting Bucky be the one to reach out to Toni, testing the waters. It was hard, letting him be the one to go, but it makes sense. Toni's more receptive to Bucky these days.  

When he told her that he'd kissed Toni, _twice,_ she'd nearly regretted it.

And he'd left before getting any sort of feedback, the idiot. But he says he panicked, and Stevie can't exactly blame him. Toni's presence can do that to a person.

God, she misses her.

Either way, the ball's in Toni's court now.

 

~~~

 

The day Toni finalizes the new and improved Sokovia accords, it's raining. Drops of water slam against the glass, and the air conditioning is two degrees too cold, but that's what you get when the UN's optimal office temperatures are meant for male metabolisms.

But the document is signed and ratified, and Rhodey's by her side, and that's what matters.

  1. The Avengers can come back (if they want to)
  2. Ross is behind bars for what he did to Bruce, among other nefarious deeds. Good fucking riddance.
  3. There's oversight, but it's less inherently restrictive. Less "you can't go there" and more "let's work together to come up with strategies that benefit everyone and don't involve pissing off foreign governments and preventing as many casualties as possible



It's pretty good, if Toni says so herself. A lot of it is what she'd wanted in the first place, had been hoping to negotiate before everything went to shit. It was a lot harder after all of that happened. But worth it anyway.

_If Stevie could see it now._

It's petty, but sometimes a girl's got to be a little petty.

Still, she's distracted as she shakes hands around the room. T'Challa gives her a wink and surreptitious fistbump. What a guy.

There's a press conference of course, and it's just as long and exhausting as she'd expected. She feels like she's been running on adrenaline and caffeine for months, no, _years_ , and she's finally crashing. It's worse than her usual sleepless binges. But the world expects Toni Stark™ and by god that's what she gives them. Her public persona is more of a suit of armor than Iron Man ever has been. She's all sharp smile and killer one liners, and she makes the press corps laugh eight times in thirty minutes, so that's a win.

And then someone from CNN asks about Stevie. "Ms. Stark, you say all remaining charges against the rogue Avengers have dropped. What would you say to Captain Rogers about it now?"

_Fuck._ She pauses. There's no way she won't see this. _Don't panic, don't panic._

Because she wants her answer to be real. Can she say something real? Has she forgiven her? Toni can honestly say that she doesn't know. She's operating under no illusions that she's made her own fair share of mistakes; she pays for those mistakes every day.

Stevie had made mistakes too, and hurt her. Badly. But maybe she expected too much. Expected Captain America when she should have expected Stevie. _We should have met in the middle._

So maybe she hasn't quite forgiven her. But for the first time, it's something she's not avoiding thinking about. It's no longer so raw a wound that even thinking about it exacerbates the pain.

What had she been doing, all this time with the Accords, if she hadn't thought that she and Stevie had had some chance of working it out?

Right now, Toni just misses her.

Bucky complicates it, too. She'd hated him, for the briefest of moments, wanted to hurt him for the way he hurt her mother. But she knows him now, knows his smiles and his laughs and the depths of his feeling.

Toni wants them both. And Toni is very familiar with wanting things she can't have, but two people at once? That's a new low, even for her.

But Bucky had kissed her. ( _That was from Stevie._ )

Twice. ( _And that one was from me._ )

There's really only one answer.

She knows she looks thrown, forces her face into something resembling the Toni Stark they expect to see.

"I'd tell Captain Rogers that…that she is free to do whatever she chooses. But that she and whoever else may need it can find a home with the Avengers." _I want you back. I want you by my side as long as you want to stay there._

"Does that extend to the assassin known as James Barnes?"

"Yes. We don't punish people who commit crimes under duress. Sergeant Barnes should be given the chance to live his life free from forced coercion and fear." _Let me help you. You deserve the world; give me the chance to give it to you._

_Oh. Maybe I could actually have this._

Time to leave. She stands, smiling, her mind still stuck on metal arms and painted shields.

And then there's a bang, a shout. Two more bangs in quick succession. More yelling. Someone has a gun! Instinctively she raises her hand to the new arc reactor under her blouse, the one housing the suit. Stops.

There's blood on her shirt. Spreading. _Blood blooming from the holes in a dress shirt, blooming from under a bulletproof vest._

Everything goes a bit fuzzy.

_"Oh."_

Someone's shouting her name. It sounds like Rhodey, but she can't move her head and everyone's screaming and there are more shots…

There are hands on her shoulders, and yes, that's her Rhodey, and he's yelling something in her face but now it feels like all the noise is coming to her from the end of a long hallway. How did she get on her knees?

She can't breathe. _Did Obie pull out the reactor again?_

It's when she finally sees Rhodey's face, the panic there, that she understands.

She's been shot. She's probably dying. Maybe once upon a time that would have been a relief, but now it's… she wants to live.

_I didn't get to finish._

Darkness envelops her, and all is quiet.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Toni and Bucky go to Les Armures, a fancy little restaurant in Geneva's old town. I actually lived above it several years ago, and the smells were amazing (once it was too cold to smoke at the outside tables!). I only went once sadly, because I was a student and $$$$. I put them there for the vibe of course, but also purely to cater to my own nostalgia.


End file.
